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Thursday, September 09, 2004 ok ok, so a real post. things up here are..i dont know..confusing, stressful...and lonely. steve was up here for a week and things were good, we're getting used to being in the same place for so long together which will be great for when he moves in. when he left it was nice to have some privacy back because im so used to living alone now, but everything now is so quiet...so..lonely. i miss him a lot..i hate not having him up here and it sucks, and i was worried that i was getting too dependent on him being here to make me happy. Though..after thinking about it I realized thats not the problem, its the fact that I still dont know anyone up here, I dont have a group of friends that I can hang out with. Im so busy at work and when i come home i just crash, where do i have time to meet people?? I was suppose to be taking classes this semester but had to push it off cause I didnt have the funds, and im hoping to take at least a class or two in october, something..anything to get out there and meet people. im frustrated with my family that always makes demands on me when they want me to do something or be something im not, but dont lift a finger to help me out in anything. my mom yells at me for not going down there to visit but they dont come and see me..they didnt in blacksburg so why would they here in fairfax? not to mention my father still hasnt spoken to me..and what its been 3 months now? i dont know what they want from me..... its odd, ive gotten to a point in my life that i just want more. things are changing and what i want is changing. i want to be done with school, im so frustrated with myself that im not done yet that i could scream but thats a personal issue i guess, i want to have a job that i love doing.look forward to going to every day and even if i didnt make a lot of money it would satisfy me to no end. I want to move forward, start thinking about getting a house, buying a new car, putting money away, generally getting my shit straight so one day I can have a family..... *sighs* family, marriage....a whole other issue that i just dont want to think about because it brings on so many fears..so many worries. bleh... im not even going to get into work...how frustrating it is. im hoping with me hiring new people soon that will get better and one worry will be taken care of. we'll see..my luck these days...im not holding on to any hope.... decided to get back into writing...i need an outlet...along with working out...maybe if i feel better about how i look it will bleed into how i feel. who knows. so there..my update..not very happy sorry...going through one of those down phases i suppose...trying to break through it but its hard....i feel like im going through all this all alone and blah im not that strong. i'll work on updating this more...i might move blogs but ill let you know. lilwolf 2:24 PM 
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