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Thursday, July 10, 2003 things are weird in my life these days. not that they were ever normal. i'm realizing more and more lately that the people i truly consider my friends are far away from me and i hate it. i miss them now more than anything. the one person here i'd like to be close to seems a million miles away. everytime i think things might be ok...another huge gap pops up and a little more of me falls away. i used to do such a good job of pushing things away...letting them sit inside me and just build up there. lately everything seems to be hitting me at once and i cant seem to hide anything. than again..how do i hide from you? you know who you are and god only knows if you read this. im sure if you did you'd know. i want to hate you for everything you've ever put me through and i still cant, i dont know what that says about me. i wish i could sit here and say how well im doing but that'd be a lie and you'd know that. there isnt a doubt in my mind that you dont know what im going through and how much this is killing me. the doubt is only there in knowing if you care. you once told me you hated talking to me sometimes because i pushed you to rethink things and make decisions that could possibly better or destroy the way you live. it destroys me each day to see how things are now, to see the decision you made. i wish i could just understand it. i wish for once you'd do the right thing by me and explain. maybe..thats just asking too much of you. i leave town next week. going to birmingham for work from the 14th to the 18th, all expenses paid. some training thing they're doing for the first time. 16 GMS were selected and i happen to be one of the lucky few. maybe the 4 days away from everyone will help. i doubt it..if anything it will just give me more time to think. like i said..things are weird in my life right now but when have they ever been simple and happy?? i have slipped and i have fallen so far down i can't get out. overwhelmed by my doubt. things i said i'd never do i've done. those i said i'd never be i've become. i have broken - i'm still breaking - cracked and wrecked, beyond repair. smacks me in the face every time i fall. i cannot disregard, with each new fall i hit twice as hard. would you be there for me? i would. would you look up to see? i would. falling forward and looking up. -afi, coin return lilwolf 1:17 AM 
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