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Thursday, November 08, 2001 sometimes it feels like life is moving so fast around you but you're standing still. when you take the time to look around you, you find these shattered pieces of things you once thought you knew something about. more and more it seems like things that i felt so certain about are becoming the most confusing things to understand. the more and more i try to understand them, the more and more messed up they get. life seems to be this neverending story of beginnings and endings, i wish so hard that it would be more beginnings then endings. sitting outside for awhile i realize deep down inside that im so lonely, that even surrounded by my closest friends im just so alone. so many things i wish i could say, but who would understand it all? can others really understand how much you hurt? can they understand the despair behind the feelings? sometimes i wonder if i even understand it all... ive messed so many things up in my life, things i wish i could go back and change...but i dont know how to or if i could. even now knowing all this things still get messed up, and whenever i try to change them i end up messing them up even more. so how do i stop this pattern? how do i break myself from this...is it even me? i know our past experiences make us who we are today, that everything we went through becomes a part of us..and what that does shapes us for the rest of our lives. i know that through the bad and good it helps us...it makes us grow. i just wish sometimes the path was easier...that we didnt have to fight so hard. people say im strong..people say im special.....i wish i saw it. i wish i had the confidence in myself that others have in me. i feel like i fight so hard to get something only to be kicked back down. i just dont know how much more fight i have inside.....maybe next time i wont get back up. lilwolf 11:27 PM 
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