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Monday, October 22, 2001 so...everyone lately has been telling me that i have to start blogging again...and without censor. my feelings were i didnt want to hurt anyone else...i didnt want to be the cause of anyones pain anymore. i wanted to lay back and just let things go for awhile. i knew when i stepped into everything that i would get hurt..my expectations were low on certain things..but high on others. i believe strongly in friendship..i believe its what makes this world move..what makes this world work. without friends...you have nothing...without these people to depend on..what else do you have? love..love is fickle...love changes...love has so many different sides, its rare when you find that one true love that you can forsake all others for it. for those who do find it...for those who are truly happy then more power to you. i believed through everything i have gone through, in a friendship...i thought despite the last few years it would hold strong..that it was important..that i did matter. god knows that the other person does to me...that they mean everything to me. funny how i walked into all this hoping the best for you...hoping that your happiness was guaranteed...that above all else you mattered more. i took the steps to make sure of that..to not be selfish..to not ruin what couldnt be ruined. even with the fall out i made sure to make that my top priority...you know what...damn it all. you want this uncensored..you want to know what im feeling??? im hurt..devastated beyond what you could imagine. time and time again you have proven that my friendship isnt worth a damn to you..that you will be dictated into what you HAVE to do. was it some game to you?? do you think im having fun??? in life you make choices....behind every choice there is a reason...you made that choice just like i did. i will be damned if i get punished for it any longer. i will not beg...i will not fight. you know how i feel...i have been honest in everything. im sorry for hurting anyone in the first place...but i was being me. i was being true to myself..to what i felt. i walk out of this knowing that...no matter how much it hurts. im sorry for believing you when you said you wouldnt hurt me, im sorry for believing you when you said trust me. im sorry for giving you a part of me that ill never get back and that you dont give a damn about. dont bother saying thats not true...dont bother feeding me lies....yer actions speak louder than your words ever will and im sorry for ever loving you so much. lilwolf 11:05 PM 
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