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Tuesday, September 04, 2001 the last couple of days have been so terrible. it seems all i do any more is just work, and that would be fine if i saw something from it but i hardly do. not to mention its so frustraing just working there. half the time i feel like im the only one who thinks working when yer at work is what you're getting paid for. i need to learn how to tell people no, cause i end up trying to help so many people that i just get stuck doing everything and they take advantage of that. i dont know how much longer i can last without burning out and just breaking down. im so tired, physically and mentally. i havent been sleeping well thanx to so many problems on my mind, so im running on maybe 9 hours of sleep for the last 3 days, im cranky as all hell and i just want to run away. seems like i was doing well for awhile there now everything is just crashing down on me and im not strong enough to deal with it right now. also with the lack of sleep i think im coming down with a cold, and i hate being sick. i found out the other day that my grandmother was in the hospital for a few days. she was hemorrhaging and they had to keep her there to watch over her. i was told she was so ill that she ended up falling out of bed. i dont know what to think..what to feel about all that. it scares the hell out of me and i dont know what to do. after being with her this summer...thinking something might happen to her hurts. knowing i cant just go to her and spend time with her frustrates me....and knowing that my cousin will be the only one dealing with it bothers me even more. nothing like being in two different countries to make you feel completely useless. after a day like today all i honestly want to do is curl up in jeremy's lap and sleep. i hate that he's so far away...i wanna be able to run to him on a bad day and cry on his shoulder. two more days and he'll be here...thank god. sometimes i feel like the only time im truly content is when he's here. he makes me feel good...wanted, like he actually likes being with me. it seems to be rare when i feel that lately. so im just going to keep thinking 2 more days..2 more days. with me having a day off tomorrow (though not really since im still going to work) maybe it will come quicker. i just miss him so much. ever notice when yer so tired you just cry at the drop of the hat. the other day at work i did just that, though it was half exhaustion and half being completely touched by someone. i ended up helping these two ederly women look for a physcians desk reference book, now if you dont know what one is..its a huge book that weighs like 3 lbs and costs 88 dollars. well i found it for them and it turns out she really didnt have the money for it...so i told her about the discount card and how it would save her 10% and it still wasnt enough. Well, i had remembered we get newsletters each month that sometimes has coupons for an extra 20% off, i went around seeing if i could find one but tracy told me we didnt get one this month. I told the ladies that and they looked upset, she started talking to me about how important the book was. It turns out this woman has survived two cancers that are both in remission, diabetes, arthritis, and heart failure. She needs the book because of the heart failure she's on 8 medicines a day. She gets confused and likes to look them up in her book to make sure she doesnt mix them with anything else. These two women were so kind, and I dont know I just wanted to help her somehow so i offered her my employee discount. She didnt want to take it at first but i insisted and she finally agreed. We ended up getting the book for a lil over 69 dollars. After paying for it, the womans friend said i deserved a hug and i told her not to worry about it..all i did was help her find a book. The woman insisted i get one so she gave me a kiss on the cheek and hugged me, we talked for a bit longer. Her friend was telling me that she tells her all the time that it isnt her time to go yet, that god isnt ready for her and she still has work to be done here, i told her that she was right. I told the woman that she better come in and say hi every once and awhile to let me know she's ok, after saying that she gave me another hug and grabbed my hands. While holding them, she looked at me and said "hold on to those angel hands, cause they will come back to you someday." even now thinking of it makes tears come to my eyes. It mattered to me that such a lil thing i did meant so much to her. After saying goodbye i had to walk rather quickly to the back room so i could cry there. I think it was the most rewarding day ever at a job for me, that really meant a lot to me. I wish her all the luck in the world and hope she does well and lives a long healthy life. She is definitely in my prayers each night. i know that it might not be important to y'all....but i dont know..it just hit me. i guess with everything else im just really emotional too. *shrugs* i wish it was thursday... lilwolf 11:09 PM 
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