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Friday, August 10, 2001 been awhile since i blogged..not too much happening. just working really. which is a complete drag. ive gotten to the point where im frustrated at working so hard and getting nothing back for it. so im in the process of looking for a job that pays better for the long hours i have to put in. not to mention that BAM is going to shit right now...everything is falling apart and people are quitting left and right...so i gave them advanced warning that i wont be around for too much longer. today was a bad day at work cause one i had cramps from hell that made me want to shoot myself all morning...i had to take an extra long break to come home and try to get some medicine for it..which we didnt have so i popped two advil..then with the last few dollars i had i bought some at CVS...they helped after awhile. it at least made it bearable enough for me to actually stand up and walk...laying on the floor in the middle of the store wasnt going to work all day. now its only 10:30 and im tired as all can be..i dont know whats going on with me lately. i think its just emotional stress. its just taking its complete toll on me physically and mentally. I dont know how to explain anything anymore..i cant even seem to write about it. just seems like ever since i got back from italy i've just felt so completely out of the loop. like im not even here anymore...i dont know how to explain it. before it was like i was needed...as a friend...i was someone people could talk to..now...its like im not good enough anymore and other people have taken my place. i know it might be silly for me to think all this but i cant help feeling replaced in so many peoples lives now..its like i just dont have a purpose anymore..im just here. it hurts i guess...and im trying to really deal with it...im just not doing a great job with it. i miss people..and its like they dont even believe me. *sighs* i guess im just trying to figure out what i did wrong....why no one wants to be with me anymore. having no one to talk to makes you feel so...alone. on top of all this...i miss jeremy. the only time i dont feel alone is with him. he makes me feel wanted..needed. talking to him everyday is helping but i just want to fall asleep in his arms and feel safe. god i miss him. two more weeks of this and im going to go nuts. i wish i could tell him everything im feeling..let him know how much i care. im just scared to...scared to let myself feel so much...to move past where im at. he's an amazing person...i cant thank god enough for bringing him into my life. i wonder each day how i got so lucky to have such a wonderful person caring about me. i hope i dont screw it up...thats why im scared. *sighs* i'll blog when i can...blah. lilwolf 10:54 PM 
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