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Monday, April 30, 2001 sorry i haven't blogged lately been a busy couple days. friday i worked from 9-5pm.....it wasn't too bad other than the fact that policies changed a bit since monday and rrr they're trying to fuck us over. evidently there isn't much i can do about it. after work i wasn't really up to doing much cause we had a 7am staff meeting the following day so i didn't wanna be up too late....heh.....it was a nice thought. steph and i ended up going over to chads to play cards with tyson, evan, chad, and jeremy. it was a lot of fun....our game of phase 10 (after a few games of mariokart) took us 3 hours to play! it was nuts but it was a lot of fun and i won! yay yay!!! so by the time we were done with that we got home around 2:30...we were a bit hungry so we decided to make biscuits. heh then stephy heard some people talking about fighting out in our hallway turned out to be the guys next door. one of their friends got punched in the nose or something and was trying to fight the kid....they were making all sorts of noise! stephy and i ended up watching out the window for an hour to see what happened....we even dragged cliff into our apt to find out! it was very very entertaining.......and thats why i didn't get to bed till 3:30! so im up at 6:30 to get to the 7am meeting.....god it sucked......3 hours of sleep to hear people yapping for another 2. i complained about the new policy and was basically told that nothing can be done....but i did find out i had the support of all the other employees. so who knows, maybe something will come of it......if not.......heh its possible i wont have a job by the end of the week! oh well. so i get back from the meeting at 9 and decided to crash for 2 more hours......i was up at 11. got showered and dressed and was on my way to campus for field day with the 4h kids! wow what fun.....i dont think i've had that much carefree fun in ages! no worries, no strings......just pure fun. i got a chance to talk to lots of parents, let them know i'll be leading the program next year....talked to shannon quite a bit....and got to know some of the other volunteers a whole lot better. the kids had a blast and so did i....it was a GREAT success!! so heh.....standing in the sun for 5 hours makes munkey VERY VERY crispy!! i have some great tan lines now. after that i had to go to work till midnight......it was a looooooooong night but goofing around with kendra and sarah made the day go by pretty fast so it wasn't too bad. when i got home i was pretty sure i was going to go to bed but ended up going out to deans place and hanging out with bethy. seems they had a party after their banquet dinner, it was crazy......the guys pretty much all turn into 3 year olds when they get drunk. it was cool though i got to hang with bethy and thats why i went......by the time i got back it was 3 and i pretty much crashed. so i didn't wake up till 1:30 today....and only that early cause i had set my alarm. i had a lil 4-h party to go to at 3 so i got dressed and headed over there after of course the problems i had with my atm card at kroger. oh well wont get into how evil wachovia is right now, i'll spare ya. so go over to chris's place and we pretty much just sat around, talked, ate......just had fun. by the time i left there it was 6 i believe and came back home and just chilled. ended up calling my mom and talk to her for awhile......seems everyone is doing well there which is always good to know. it will be nice to see them again this weekend, i could DEFINITELY use the time away. after that i ended up going to play putt putt with amanda, lucas, justin and steph.....it was a lot of fun!! i had a hole in one! YIPEE!! after that i just came home and chilled here.....watched some movies and talked to a friend on the phone. which...all in all made my head hurt more. i mean i loved talking to him....and i hope i get a chance to again sooner.....but it doesn't help clear up all the things in my head. im getting to that point again where i miss being with someone....i just feel sad. i see people all around me with someone, happy and having fun and i miss that so much. it just makes me go back to looking at myself and wondering whats wrong with me and why i cant find anyone. the last person i had such strong feelings for hurt me but im so ready to risk that....over and over again if i have to. it just seems everyone i talk to lately is just looking for sex....and granted its great......but ugh im not looking for that......at least not just that. i wanna be with someone again.....know that someone cares for me, loves me.....wants to be with me.....argh......not just sleep with me. and lately i dont know if anyone im talking to feels more than just that....which makes me feel so worthless. the last person i liked stopped talking to me.....completely distanced himself from me in every way possible.......i cant tell you how much that hurt....still does....and when he finally started talking to me again all these feelings started rushing around my head and i just wanted to yell at him....but i said nothing. he said something the other day which made it all hurt again...which made me look at myself again and start doubting everything....i dont know what to do. *sighs* now the guy i talked to tonight......he's someone i mentioned before...from my past that i have incredible feelings for.......i mean i cant explain it all cause i dont understand it myself......but there is just this chemistry between us......and im scared to death he only wants one thing.....and im not willing to just give that. BLAH......i know im just rambeling but i need some kind of outlet to just let this all out. its been in my head for so long now......my feelings are so confused. ever want something so much that it hurts.........it physcially hurts you when you see it? im there.....and its getting so much worse......i used to know how to handle it but now i dont and its driving me nuts. ugh im not doing a good job of expliaing myself am i? *sighs* too bad both these guys make me feel so worthless at times........ or maybe.....its just me? BLAH! lilwolf 2:21 AM 
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