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Saturday, February 17, 2001 so blah.....let me catch you up on my soap opera life. Valentines day: I thought it was going to be a bummer but I had a great day. Started off great by stephy giving me this cute lil gift and handmade card, she got me a lil monkey in a cup that says "lets monkey around". Thank you hun!! Then when i woke up amy surprised me with a card and 3 m&m people!! Its a long story but she knew I had wanted to get them but didn't have the money and she got it for me!! thank you!!!!! I just laid around all morning and at 3 went to the elementary school for the 4-h program! YAY.....what a blast!! It was extremely chaotic because it had been raining so the kids didn't go out that day plus all the vday candy and parties!! they were bouncing off the walls!! We made these really cute love bug hats and they loved them!! What a great way to start off the evening. We were running a lil behind coming home and had to rush to get dressed and all for dinner at 6:30 at Kabukis. rrr only downside of the evening.....in the process of going to pick up deanna and john I got a parking ticket!! bastard parking cops....i hate them....i almost ran him over though so thats fair. Well we got to dinner and what a great start....Justin gave each girl who went 3 red roses and 1 chocolate one. They were so pretty.....he's such a sweetie. Thank you hun!!! We had a great dinner...kabuki is a great restaurant and the 7 of us had a lot of fun. After dinner we headed over to justins and had pie that he made...the chocolate pie was DELICIOUS!! We took some pics and then headed home for the night. It was a great night......some confusing points to it...but I blame that on my own head. as for thursday: well it sucked......i was in a terrible mood.....not angry (just at myself) but just down the whole day. All i did was think.....and it got me no where but depressed. We went out that night to have a drink with sal and for once I had a rotten time down at sharkeys. I should have stayed home......i wouldn't have bumped into mikey then. BLAH........it sucked. friday: woke up in a better mood then i had gone to bed in, thank god for that. I really did nothing all morning till a friend asked me to lunch so i went. That lunch turned out to be a great day. We hung out all day...and all night.....and it was just.......great. I haven't felt like that in such a long time....which adds to the frustration and confusion even more......but it suprised me so much on how i would feel. Just him touching me made my breath shudder......and when he kissed me for the first time.....i thought I had stopped breathing. It made my stomach do flips.......*sighs*. Ugh....I wish i could say that everything is great......and that im happy.....but I dont know if im in a better position now than i was two days ago. All i know is how it feels now.......and how much that makes everything harder. So many situations are surronding it......and with two exceptions I know what i'd like.......but he doesn't. The more we talk.....the more my fear grows that im going to get so terribly hurt......and I dont think I could take that. Physically and emotionally it would drain me. I dont know what else to do........I wish i could do something but its out of my hands and god how that makes me feel so vulnerable. I wish i could put this all in words.....but im at a loss. I think going out tonight with steph is going to help distance myself a bit mentally...and maybe i can sit down again and try. I know i can write a poem.....since one has started already.....so maybe i'll be able to put it down in my journal, maybe. *sighs* i dont know.....I wish i wasn't so scared now.....i think thats the worse thing of all. =/ lilwolf 6:03 PM 
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